Pieces of me in letters

For my friend T: Gokekkon omedetou gozaimasu~ Wish you all the love and happiness forever

I finally get to attend a Japanese wedding. Exciting new experience. The wedding kimonos…. the ceremony… the nihonshu… and the reception… all great! I will never forget this day in my life. For the wedding…. and for a new window that opens for me.

When a window is closed behind you, another will open. It’s only a matter of time and I am so glad mine has come. I am done mourning after three months.  It took me some time to realize how hurt I was… and it took longer time to recover. I think those are necessary. I just had to feel it to finally be able to let go… with a credit for myself: that I did my best and it was more than enough

New window… I am coming!

I came into contact with an old friend whom I didn’t hear anything from for more than two years. It was a pleasant surprise I can tell that some things about him have changed. Two years ago I knew him as a “strong” forest person. One who spent most of his time in a cabin in the forest, camping, kanoeing, and hiking. One who couldn’t really enjoy city’s life and its noises. But he recently moved to the city and started talking about cafes and restaurants. Two years is surely a long time and people do change. He is now a rather “moderate” forest person, just like me. Heheh…

People change. Some for good, some for bad. Some changes let people move forward, others push people backwards instead. I have changed for the past years myself.  Today I talked to a friend about “if you could turn back time, what would you change about yourself?”. For a few seconds I thought I would go to medical school, and become a doctor instead. But I changed my mind, because I like what I am doing now so why would I change that? So I told my friend, if I could turn back time I probably would just drink more milk when I was younger so I could be taller

But ofcourse we can’t turn back time. What is done… is done.  And there are some things - if not many things - in this world that you just can’t take back once you give them up. All the milk I threw away when I was a kid was one of those. I had them, but I just refused to drink. So now I just have to satisfy with 150 cm tall forever and make the best out of it. I think I am doing okay. I’ve changed through the years and I change - hopefully - for good

I have backpain problem for the past 6 years. Sometimes it hurts so bad I just can’t help crying. At one point the pain was so unbearable I thought I was going to die. My parents were so scared they took me to hospital immediately. For the first time in my life I heard my dad saying that he was scared. It was after they took my X-ray and we were waiting for the result. He said he was very scared of the possibility that I might have a backbone cancer. Backbone cancer does sound like a death penalty indeed. I am very grateful that I don’t have it, and my back condition improves for the past few years I still have backpain sometimes. I know that  the pain is there whenever I forget to take good care of myself. Usually when I work too much or when I am stressed out thinking all sort of things. All I have to do is taking my time to rest and think of nothing. The pain will go away even without pain killer.

I am not saying selfish is good, but… sometimes you just have to think of yourself before others. Nobody can take better care of you than yourself. Sometimes the right thing to do cause you pain. I think it’s okay to just drop it and move on doing other thing that is good for you instead. The right thing to do that cause you pain one day may not be painful anymore later. Being selfish in the right dosage is good

For my friend M… I know what you are going through. I know the pain. Hayaku genki ni natte ne.

It has been about two weeks since my last posting. Many things happened…  things worth to write about in this blog, but for many different reasons I just didn’t have the time (and energy?) to write.

One day my friend N told me she loves running. She has joined alot of marathon and enjoyed all of them. I was looking at her, amazed. I told her I ran alot when I was a child, mostly when playing with my friends. But then I grew up disliking it, and finally hated it. I hated it when I had to run competing with other students for physical education class when I was in junior high school. I hated the soreness… and above all, I hated being the last (or second to last). No matter how hard I tried to run fast, everybody else were faster than me. That was years ago. As an adult, I just hated running because of the soreness. I came to realize that it’s the effort that counts. As long as I know I have tried my best, even the result is not something I hope for, it’s all good. There will be another day, another chance, and another thing to do better… and finally get what I hope for.

Two weeks ago I was walking on treadmill. I was getting faster and faster… and before I knew it… I was running. Looking at my own reflection on the window glass, I kept running. There was a comforting emptiness in my head. Thinking of nothing. Just me, running.  When I finally stopped running because of the soreness in my legs, there was a big smile on my face. I was away from the world for a moment, and it felt good. I finally understand why N loves running. It’s because of that comforting emptiness

Adults deal with and solve problems, not running from them. We hear that all the time. But we also need a break… a break from our problems, a break from the world. I do…. so I run.

Are you Vietnamese? You’re Filipina?

I got those two questions within less than 5 minutes, from two different people today. When I went to Seoul people thought I was Japanese (from looking at the guidebook written in Japanese in my hand), American (I suppose from my English), Korean (??? I really can’t figure out any reason for this :P), and Malaysian (close enough!).  In Thailand people thought I was Thai (can’t really blame them, I do look like one) and started talking to me in Thai too. In all countries I’ve visited so far, people rarely guess my origin correctly. Even in my home country some people thought I was Japanese! It never bothers me tho. I consider myself as citizen of the world.

As a national of a developing country, I can’t travel internationally as freely as developed countries’ nationals. Some countries I can visit easily without visa, but I need it to visit most countries. No problem with Japanese, Indian, South Korean, and Schengen visas. But my visa application was rejected once by US embassy after I paid 100 USD for it (so sad…). I didn’t re-apply until two years later and luckily it was okay (otherwise I would feel rather stupid wasting 200 USD for nothing…. :P).

My friends who are nationals of developed countries suggest me to change my nationality. After my visa application was rejected, I was actually kinda toying with that idea. Would be so much easier to travel internationally if I was… say…. Japanese or Canadian or Australian. However I realized that I can’t really see myself as a Japanese or Canadian or Australian. Although I consider myself as citizen of the world, my nationality is part of my identity. I can handle visa application rejection (and losing some money too :P) but not losing my true self.

For those who don’t know what ocha kai is… it is a ceremony for serving green tea, an important part of Japanese culture. I join the tea ceremony class since last year. Have attended every single class ever since (except when I was out of Japan). Started doing the koi cha (thick green tea) procedure – one level higher than regular procedure — from this month’s lesson. Very exciting. Reminded me of the feelings I had when going to the higher class every year for six years in elementary school. Heheh…

The higher the level, the more complicated it becomes. More details to remember, more concentration is needed. Other than that, there are a couple of lesson of life I learned from ocha kai.

Respect for self and others.

Exchanging bows — probably one of Japanese culture that most foreigner know about — frequently takes place in ocha kai. The host bows to all his/her guests and vice versa. It’s a symbol of respect. Whoever your guest is, the same bow is exchanged. There would be no host without guest, and there would be no guest without a host. Both host and guest enjoy each other’s presence, and happy to spend time together.  Like we all enjoy the presence of people around us. Friends… family. However when you stop respecting people around you, it’s very likely that you will end up being alone. And when you stop respecting yourself, it’s hard for people around you to respect you.

Equality.

Guests can be only one, can be many… every guest is different, unique. But host serves tea to all guests using the same bowl, the same kind of tea. Depends on the kind of tea, sometimes guests also share the same tea serving (as in koi cha). This is probably a hard lesson to do. We human tend to have favourites. Most of the times we love something or someone more than the others. Heart has its own preference. It’s part of human nature, I guess. So we are back to the first lesson: respect. You can love for more or less, but hopefully your respect stays the same. Treat people the same way as you want them to treat you

Ijou desu.